The Very Simple Plan

I have decided to finally get my act together and join the ranks of the ‘proper’ writers (meaning people who not only write but are read by people other than family and friends), because I want to be in the reasonably priced car. I want to be in the reasonably priced car so much it’s not funny. But, as it is with a lot of cool activities, the only way to get into the reasonably priced car is to be at least a little famous.

In case you are reading this great work on worldwidewebbed literature – born only from my desire to drive a car on a motoring program – and wonder what on earth this ‘reasonably priced car’ might be, let me fill you in.
There is currently on the air a television program called Top Gear. It’s a car show, technically, dealing with all sorts of motoring related matters. Horsepower. Fanbelts. That sort of thing. It would be a desperately dull affair if not for the three brilliant individuals doing the presenting.
Let me put it into perspective for you:
I do not own a car. I do not know anything about the workings of cars. I cannot identify a single brand of car (apart from a VW Kombi perhaps). Nonetheless – regardless of my complete disinterest in cars and anything to do with them – I watch this car show religiously. Because, thanks to the genius of the gentlemen May, Clarkson and Hammond, what should be a mind-numbing one hour lecture directed at he world’s gear heads is in fact one of the most hilarious comedy programs of our day.

Getting to the point.
One fixed segment of the show involves ‘putting a star in a reasonably priced car’. The star gets a little training session with the show’s very own race car driver, the mysterious Stig (some say he ran over his own grandmother while delivering meals on wheels…), then does a lap and then – most importantly – takes his place on the show’s board of fame (or shame). And while I am fully aware that this sounds pathetic and is a testament to my own shallow ways, I don’t think there’s another TV gig in existence that could possibly be more fun.
I stand by my dorkiness. I want to drive the reasonably priced car - and I want to do it faster than Stephen Fry.
Therefore I will publish my book, it will become a hit; and before too long someone within the Top Gear universe will come across this here manifesto of my reason for publishing a book (wanting to be in the reasonably priced car, in case you forgot). They will find it charming, endearing and inventive – presto! I’m in the reasonably priced car. Mission accomplished.

There’s only one minor glitch in my fool proof plan. I don’t have a publisher lined up to pave my way to fame. But – in the undying words of one Mister Jeremy Clarkson – how hard can it be?